I'm struggling with myself again today. Feelings of inadequacy and not feeling important or wanted are starting to really gnaw at my thoughts and heart. I know that I'm in a great position in life: married, able to afford groceries and small splurges every week, a great husband, a job, and a car. But ever since I woke up, I haven't been able to get past the thoughts of worthlessness, lack of self-confidence, and the inability to be myself. Many times I feel stupid because I can't seem to figure out the simple things in life like depositing a check correctly or choosing the right time to get a particular item at the grocery store. I do have my own opinion of how to do certain things, like depositing that check or deciding which item to get when. But my opinion and ways of doing things seems second best. I've developed an attitude of apathy because I've convinced myself that my ways, my opinions are not the best...so I automatically go with someone else's ideas or opinions. I really have compromised my individuality when I developed that attitude of apathy. I no longer make an effort to voice my opinion or my thoughts on everyday things. Maybe part of the reason is because I feel like I will get shot down or blown off because my ideas aren't as good as someone else.
Something else that might be contributing to my emotional strain today is the harsh reality that I have been living in a completely new area for five months now and I still don't have anyone to call my friend, besides my husband. I am alone...and it sucks. So who can I turn to when I'm struggling, who can I turn to when my day is off kilter from the very start, who can I turn to when I need a change of pace from the day-to-day monotony? I started thinking of the familiar places I knew when I was younger and people who I could call up and hang out with regularly on a Friday night or at school. Then I think back to where I am now. A new place, new people, and not a hint of anything familiar.
As you can probably tell, my faith has been weakening. I'm starting to realize that my sense of security has been refocused to thoughts of who I used to be and the things I used to know; instead of on the true sense of security: God. I can bottle up my feelings for quite a long time until they start eating away at me, like they are now. I have no excitement for the Word, or getting back that time I had with God. I know He's there waiting for me to rekindle our friendship but I don't think I can keep up this solo act. I need encouragement and a familiar face. If you're reading this, please say a quick prayer for me. To know that someone's simply praying for me will help so much. I will make an effort to get my faith back where it needs to be; on the things above, not on the things of this earth. It's going to be a struggle, since I am so overcome by my thoughts and feelings right now. God, You are the Answer to all my questions, the comfort and security in every time of uncertainty and self-doubt, the great big hug when I, as your child, am wandering aimlessly in the midst of my own thoughts and feelings. Please help me become the person You want me to be, and to deal with these emotions properly. I'm breaking down and I'm becoming as soft clay in Your hands. Thank you for your patience with me. I love you, Lord.
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