I'm struggling with myself again today. Feelings of inadequacy and not feeling important or wanted are starting to really gnaw at my thoughts and heart. I know that I'm in a great position in life: married, able to afford groceries and small splurges every week, a great husband, a job, and a car. But ever since I woke up, I haven't been able to get past the thoughts of worthlessness, lack of self-confidence, and the inability to be myself. Many times I feel stupid because I can't seem to figure out the simple things in life like depositing a check correctly or choosing the right time to get a particular item at the grocery store. I do have my own opinion of how to do certain things, like depositing that check or deciding which item to get when. But my opinion and ways of doing things seems second best. I've developed an attitude of apathy because I've convinced myself that my ways, my opinions are not the best...so I automatically go with someone else's ideas or opinions. I really have compromised my individuality when I developed that attitude of apathy. I no longer make an effort to voice my opinion or my thoughts on everyday things. Maybe part of the reason is because I feel like I will get shot down or blown off because my ideas aren't as good as someone else.
Something else that might be contributing to my emotional strain today is the harsh reality that I have been living in a completely new area for five months now and I still don't have anyone to call my friend, besides my husband. I am alone...and it sucks. So who can I turn to when I'm struggling, who can I turn to when my day is off kilter from the very start, who can I turn to when I need a change of pace from the day-to-day monotony? I started thinking of the familiar places I knew when I was younger and people who I could call up and hang out with regularly on a Friday night or at school. Then I think back to where I am now. A new place, new people, and not a hint of anything familiar.
As you can probably tell, my faith has been weakening. I'm starting to realize that my sense of security has been refocused to thoughts of who I used to be and the things I used to know; instead of on the true sense of security: God. I can bottle up my feelings for quite a long time until they start eating away at me, like they are now. I have no excitement for the Word, or getting back that time I had with God. I know He's there waiting for me to rekindle our friendship but I don't think I can keep up this solo act. I need encouragement and a familiar face. If you're reading this, please say a quick prayer for me. To know that someone's simply praying for me will help so much. I will make an effort to get my faith back where it needs to be; on the things above, not on the things of this earth. It's going to be a struggle, since I am so overcome by my thoughts and feelings right now. God, You are the Answer to all my questions, the comfort and security in every time of uncertainty and self-doubt, the great big hug when I, as your child, am wandering aimlessly in the midst of my own thoughts and feelings. Please help me become the person You want me to be, and to deal with these emotions properly. I'm breaking down and I'm becoming as soft clay in Your hands. Thank you for your patience with me. I love you, Lord.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Lies
I need to admit to myself that I have been struggling with feelings of inadequacy. They are lies that Satan has been telling me for years but I've not succeeded in ignoring them recently. I find it best if I write my thoughts down, hence this blog, so I am going to list what I've been feeling:
Satan's lies (and maybe some of them are true...):
-too shy
-too quiet
-can't think for myself
-not assertive enough
-too clumsy
-not good enough
-too geeky
-push-over
-not loving enough
-no common sense
-too awkward
-not "spiritual" enough
-can't communicate well
-talk too fast
-think too much
-too indecisive
-too poor
-too sheltered
-not the person people need me to be
-not the person people want me to be
-too much of a loner
That's all I can think of for right now... As a Christian, I know that not all of these are true, but it's so easy to believe them more often than not. I'm asking for help, spiritual guidance, and simply a listening ear. And thank you for doing just that. God bless.
Satan's lies (and maybe some of them are true...):
-too shy
-too quiet
-can't think for myself
-not assertive enough
-too clumsy
-not good enough
-too geeky
-push-over
-not loving enough
-no common sense
-too awkward
-not "spiritual" enough
-can't communicate well
-talk too fast
-think too much
-too indecisive
-too poor
-too sheltered
-not the person people need me to be
-not the person people want me to be
-too much of a loner
That's all I can think of for right now... As a Christian, I know that not all of these are true, but it's so easy to believe them more often than not. I'm asking for help, spiritual guidance, and simply a listening ear. And thank you for doing just that. God bless.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Difference Between Religion and Relationship?
What is religion? It can be the basis for answers to life’s mysteries and it can be a labyrinth of rules and regulations by which to align your lifestyle. But, what if you simply want to live a better life without getting mixed up in all the stipulations and traditions that come with getting mixed in with a certain religion, or denomination for that matter? A new friend of mine started to ask questions about Judgment and what happens when we die; do we go straight to Heaven or Hell when we die or is there a waiting period for everyone who does die until the Day of Judgment comes? After some friendly debating with a few other “religious” people, we concluded that it really comes down to one’s own beliefs and what feels right to them. Then, you can choose which church to attend depending on how well that church fits your personal interests and beliefs. Or is that the correct conclusion? I don’t believe so.
It took some effort for me not to go into a speech of how the Bible is the ultimate authority, no questions asked. Maybe I should have though because the Bible truly is the basis of all truth and the ultimate survival guide to living life according to the will of God. However, I didn’t think it was appropriate at the time to expound on that. Let’s go back to what religion is. Personally, I think that religion is a group of many different categories, a.k.a. denominations, that basically say the same thing but some with either fundamental or subtle differences. For instance, the Islam religion states one way to “salvation” and has its own explanation of what happens after we die. Christianity, on the other hand, also has a definition of salvation and what happens after we die. But what distinguishes one religion from the next? Is there a “right” religion? Is there an overarching principle that sets one apart from the others? If one believes that the Bible is the authoritative Word of God and is divinely inspired, then yes, one religion does trump the others, and whips them at their own game in the process. However, the question still arises about how do we know which religion is the “right” religion especially if someone doesn’t have as much of an understanding of the Bible as, say, a student studying to be a Bible major? What is one hugely fundamental trait that sets one religion completely apart from the rest? Consider this: Buddha was the head “prophet” per se in Buddhism. However, he’s dead. Mohammed was the prophet of Islam. He has a problem as well; he’s dead. Jesus Christ was the “prophet” of Christianity. According to the Bible, he was dead…but he rose again. He conquered death! I don’t know about you, but I would much rather have a personal relationship with someone who’s still alive and can master the powers of death rather than a dead guy who’s still getting to know his grave. That’s one hugely fundamental trait that sets one particular religion apart from the rest; the fact that we can have a personal relationship with the main character of the most important book ever written! And, who is capable of reciprocating that relationship back to those who follow him!
Back to the conversation with my friend. If only I had the time and the conviction to have taken the conversation a step farther. She and another friend who were sitting with me while we discussed religious issues were having a difficult time finding religion worth their time. They were overwhelmed a bit apprehensive at the fact that there was so much to religion (going back to the rules and regulations issue above). True, there is a LOT of background info and different quirks behind every denomination. But, the fact is the relationship between you and the one who defeated death itself for your sake is so much easier to take in and understand. The rest comes with committing your entire life to getting to know him better and to know his will for you life. May God give us the opportunity to take the conversation one step further so those completely overwhelmed by the nuances of religion can understand the reason for it all. One thing that my friend said that really struck me was, “There’s just so much to religion, I don’t think I could ever learn about it to be want to be religious”. Ouch. If that’s the only thing hindering them from possibly entering a relationship with Christ, we’ve got some clarifying to do, brothers and sisters. May we grab the chance to explain the importance between religion and relationship.
It took some effort for me not to go into a speech of how the Bible is the ultimate authority, no questions asked. Maybe I should have though because the Bible truly is the basis of all truth and the ultimate survival guide to living life according to the will of God. However, I didn’t think it was appropriate at the time to expound on that. Let’s go back to what religion is. Personally, I think that religion is a group of many different categories, a.k.a. denominations, that basically say the same thing but some with either fundamental or subtle differences. For instance, the Islam religion states one way to “salvation” and has its own explanation of what happens after we die. Christianity, on the other hand, also has a definition of salvation and what happens after we die. But what distinguishes one religion from the next? Is there a “right” religion? Is there an overarching principle that sets one apart from the others? If one believes that the Bible is the authoritative Word of God and is divinely inspired, then yes, one religion does trump the others, and whips them at their own game in the process. However, the question still arises about how do we know which religion is the “right” religion especially if someone doesn’t have as much of an understanding of the Bible as, say, a student studying to be a Bible major? What is one hugely fundamental trait that sets one religion completely apart from the rest? Consider this: Buddha was the head “prophet” per se in Buddhism. However, he’s dead. Mohammed was the prophet of Islam. He has a problem as well; he’s dead. Jesus Christ was the “prophet” of Christianity. According to the Bible, he was dead…but he rose again. He conquered death! I don’t know about you, but I would much rather have a personal relationship with someone who’s still alive and can master the powers of death rather than a dead guy who’s still getting to know his grave. That’s one hugely fundamental trait that sets one particular religion apart from the rest; the fact that we can have a personal relationship with the main character of the most important book ever written! And, who is capable of reciprocating that relationship back to those who follow him!
Back to the conversation with my friend. If only I had the time and the conviction to have taken the conversation a step farther. She and another friend who were sitting with me while we discussed religious issues were having a difficult time finding religion worth their time. They were overwhelmed a bit apprehensive at the fact that there was so much to religion (going back to the rules and regulations issue above). True, there is a LOT of background info and different quirks behind every denomination. But, the fact is the relationship between you and the one who defeated death itself for your sake is so much easier to take in and understand. The rest comes with committing your entire life to getting to know him better and to know his will for you life. May God give us the opportunity to take the conversation one step further so those completely overwhelmed by the nuances of religion can understand the reason for it all. One thing that my friend said that really struck me was, “There’s just so much to religion, I don’t think I could ever learn about it to be want to be religious”. Ouch. If that’s the only thing hindering them from possibly entering a relationship with Christ, we’ve got some clarifying to do, brothers and sisters. May we grab the chance to explain the importance between religion and relationship.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Chance of a Lifetime
Ever since I started college I told God I was content with remaining single the rest of my life. I had a female professor who was so much in love with God that it was somewhat of an inspiration to me to live my life similar to how she lived hers. I had a good core group of girls from my Bible study who were all okay with being single which continued to solidify my contentedness.
Of course, God's opinion is much better than my own and He must have been laughing when I first told Him I was willing to be single the rest of my life because my freshman year a random guy came up to me, noticed where I was from by my high school letterman jacket, and introduced himself. It so happens that we ended up hanging out a lot the next year and eventually started dating. Yes, God does have a sense of humor, and yes, He certainly does know what is best for us.
I can now say that we are extremely blessed to have been married for just short of two months now. It has been the experience of a lifetime. There's no other happiness than sharing life everyday with your best friend. God continues to bring us closer together and to Him while allowing us to experience married life with all its joys and harder times. I'm so thankful Dustin had the courage to ask me to marry him, I couldn't ask for a better husband; he has always been my best friend since we've known each other. It truly is a chance of a lifetime to be his partner for the rest of our lives. God, thank you so much for Dustin and our marriage!
Of course, God's opinion is much better than my own and He must have been laughing when I first told Him I was willing to be single the rest of my life because my freshman year a random guy came up to me, noticed where I was from by my high school letterman jacket, and introduced himself. It so happens that we ended up hanging out a lot the next year and eventually started dating. Yes, God does have a sense of humor, and yes, He certainly does know what is best for us.
I can now say that we are extremely blessed to have been married for just short of two months now. It has been the experience of a lifetime. There's no other happiness than sharing life everyday with your best friend. God continues to bring us closer together and to Him while allowing us to experience married life with all its joys and harder times. I'm so thankful Dustin had the courage to ask me to marry him, I couldn't ask for a better husband; he has always been my best friend since we've known each other. It truly is a chance of a lifetime to be his partner for the rest of our lives. God, thank you so much for Dustin and our marriage!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Challenge for Purity
June 27, 2011
Yesterday Dustin and I visited a church and the pastor gave a sermon on one of the Beatitudes, the one about those who are pure in heart. After the message, he gave the congregation a challenge to think about the past week and how "pure" we'd been in thought, word, and action. I have to admit that I didn't do too good of a job at the whole purity thing. He also gave us the challenge to ask God to help us to be pursue purity each morning when we get up. After hearing that message, I did focus more on my actions, thoughts, and words. This morning I even thought of that prayer the pastor prompted us to pray. It was certainly convicting to be given that reality check and to have that challenge stay with me through the next day.
I will also admit that my spiritual life has been more or less at a standstill. I've also kind of ignored the convictions to get back in the Bible for study. I keep telling myself that I need to get my homework done or I need to get something else done...or I simply could do it tomorrow, which rarely happens. How am I supposed to continue to grow as a Christian and as a godly wife to my husband without constantly living in the Word? Pretty lame I think. So, that's definitely something I need to actively work on; enough with the passive attitude. Lord, thank you for convicting me of my impurity and my need to get back in the Word. I need Your help to remain diligent in pursuing Your Word constantly. Thank you for being patient with me and thank you for your faithfulness in helping me get back on track.
Yesterday Dustin and I visited a church and the pastor gave a sermon on one of the Beatitudes, the one about those who are pure in heart. After the message, he gave the congregation a challenge to think about the past week and how "pure" we'd been in thought, word, and action. I have to admit that I didn't do too good of a job at the whole purity thing. He also gave us the challenge to ask God to help us to be pursue purity each morning when we get up. After hearing that message, I did focus more on my actions, thoughts, and words. This morning I even thought of that prayer the pastor prompted us to pray. It was certainly convicting to be given that reality check and to have that challenge stay with me through the next day.
I will also admit that my spiritual life has been more or less at a standstill. I've also kind of ignored the convictions to get back in the Bible for study. I keep telling myself that I need to get my homework done or I need to get something else done...or I simply could do it tomorrow, which rarely happens. How am I supposed to continue to grow as a Christian and as a godly wife to my husband without constantly living in the Word? Pretty lame I think. So, that's definitely something I need to actively work on; enough with the passive attitude. Lord, thank you for convicting me of my impurity and my need to get back in the Word. I need Your help to remain diligent in pursuing Your Word constantly. Thank you for being patient with me and thank you for your faithfulness in helping me get back on track.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Biblical Clarity
June 25, 2011
Yup, it's been a while, blog. Since I'm back, with the gentle bidding from my husband, I'm going to focus on some thoughts I've been dealing with for a while and be somewhat candid in my approach, so bear with me. My parents got a divorce last August and since then my father has been seeing another lady whom he knew from high school. Anyway, they got married yesterday....I didn't attend. I really had some struggles regarding whether or not I should have gone. I took some time to think and pray and talk to Dustin about it. It came down to what the Bible said about such relationships and divorce. On one hand, I did want to honor my father's request to attend but on the other hand my conscience was really bugging me about the "rightness" of it all. I do not want to offend or anger my father in sticking with what I felt was right, but I couldn't bring myself to publicly support the situation.
I'm still learning how to deal with the whole reality of divorce and my father's remarriage. I don't know how to react to it at times. Maybe that's why I'm especially thankful for the clarity of Scripture in times like these. Thank you, Lord, for the purity and clarity of Your word. May I continue to pursue Your truth and may it continue to be a lamp for my feet and a light for my path.
Yup, it's been a while, blog. Since I'm back, with the gentle bidding from my husband, I'm going to focus on some thoughts I've been dealing with for a while and be somewhat candid in my approach, so bear with me. My parents got a divorce last August and since then my father has been seeing another lady whom he knew from high school. Anyway, they got married yesterday....I didn't attend. I really had some struggles regarding whether or not I should have gone. I took some time to think and pray and talk to Dustin about it. It came down to what the Bible said about such relationships and divorce. On one hand, I did want to honor my father's request to attend but on the other hand my conscience was really bugging me about the "rightness" of it all. I do not want to offend or anger my father in sticking with what I felt was right, but I couldn't bring myself to publicly support the situation.
I'm still learning how to deal with the whole reality of divorce and my father's remarriage. I don't know how to react to it at times. Maybe that's why I'm especially thankful for the clarity of Scripture in times like these. Thank you, Lord, for the purity and clarity of Your word. May I continue to pursue Your truth and may it continue to be a lamp for my feet and a light for my path.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Dinners Together
Married life is amazing so far! God has certainly been good to Dustin and I, even through financial issues. We have a roof over our head, a bed, plenty of food, transportation, jobs, and each other. It makes me sad to see couples who have been married for years who can't stand to talk to each other when ordering food or simply carrying on a conversation. It makes me all the more thankful for the fun and love we share as newly-weds, something that I pray and hope doesn't diminish as the years pass. It also makes me thankful for the meals we get to share together. Dustin is already a pretty good cook and we get to share in the fun of preparing our meals. I know we are definitely not going hungry anytime soon with the way he cooks.
Several people have told me that the fun won't last after five years. I wish I had the guts to ask them "why not?" Why shouldn't the fun last after the first five years of marriage? Why did you fall in love in the first place? What was that special something that made you fall head over heels for the man beside you? Why not work at keeping the fun coming and that precious love alive? It's discouraging to hear such remarks, especially after having been married for only three weeks. But then, I remember the sweet older couples with whom Dustin and I learned. One particular couple who were our pre-marriage mentors are still so in love with each other; it's evident in the way they treat each other, look at each other, and put each other before themselves. What a testimony! I hope and pray, and am willing to work for, that our marriage remains strong; even though we may get on each other's nerves, even if we have stupid little arguments, even if times get tough, even after we have kids, may we never forget the reason why we fell in love in the first place. God, bless those who are married and are going through a rough patch in their marriage. I ask that You grant them strength, wisdom, and the selflessness needed to get through. God, I also pray that You continue to strengthen our own marriage, to learn from our mistakes, and to always keep You and each other ahead of ourselves.
Several people have told me that the fun won't last after five years. I wish I had the guts to ask them "why not?" Why shouldn't the fun last after the first five years of marriage? Why did you fall in love in the first place? What was that special something that made you fall head over heels for the man beside you? Why not work at keeping the fun coming and that precious love alive? It's discouraging to hear such remarks, especially after having been married for only three weeks. But then, I remember the sweet older couples with whom Dustin and I learned. One particular couple who were our pre-marriage mentors are still so in love with each other; it's evident in the way they treat each other, look at each other, and put each other before themselves. What a testimony! I hope and pray, and am willing to work for, that our marriage remains strong; even though we may get on each other's nerves, even if we have stupid little arguments, even if times get tough, even after we have kids, may we never forget the reason why we fell in love in the first place. God, bless those who are married and are going through a rough patch in their marriage. I ask that You grant them strength, wisdom, and the selflessness needed to get through. God, I also pray that You continue to strengthen our own marriage, to learn from our mistakes, and to always keep You and each other ahead of ourselves.
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